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Friday, April 20, 2012

Living In A Fish Bowl

Hi everyone, I recently deleted all my friends off of facebook.  It was a massive bold move on my part to help stabilize my emotions.  I have been wanting to get "off" of facebook as if it were a drug, for a long time.  I would try to take fasts and deactivate my account, sign out but could get right back on with a click of a button.  First off I didn't delete friends because of I have pretty nice and normal people in my life, it was for me.  My moods have been grey and I have found myself becoming short and irritated.  I control it real well but I hate the feeling.  I have been drained.  Facebook for the most part drains me emotionally.  I feel like even when I'm not on it I have the words, the actions the pictures all floating around me as I go about my day.  I do not need to know everything and on facebook you pretty much do.  I;ve also had a lot of fun on facebook.  It is fun and can be fun but for someone extreme such as myself it can go too far.  I have work to do and a family to take care of.  I have to be held accountable and with facebook there is no accountability, I can be on there all day and all night.  But something else will suffer. Like laundry.  Say you have laundry and a kitchen to clean up and you have facebook to look up that is full of beautiful pictures, funny quotes and updates from friends.  Well I would almost always chose facebook first. 

There is this thing called sensory overload and alot of people who have bipolar experience this.  I know that I certainly do.  Sometimes its better than other times.  Like right now I want to live in a 1.8 gallon fishbowl as apposed to a 10 gallon or say even the ocean.  I can not take it any more.  I love order.  I love simplicity.  I have a complicated inner life called bipolar and to have order outside brings a calm to my insides.  I am not your average Joe. 

I want to write this to vent and tell that this is something I am experiencing and that its ok to step back from things, even if they are good things or simple things.  I took a bold step toward my mental health.  I deleted facebook.  Life before facebook may have been lonelier or boring but it was healthy.  I got all my work done, meals cooked and I had energy to give my family.  I have spread myself too thin.  I have been living in a 10 gallon tank when I really do best and am blessed in a 1 gallon tank.

Bipolar <3 Butterfly