Total Pageviews

Sunday, June 10, 2012

War Horse

About an hour ago I just finished watching a wonderful guessed it, War Horse! Now if you haven't seen it you may not want to read any further as this blog is mainly inspired by this movie. 

I havent been on facebook for I believe a month now and during this last month, boy have I been through it.  I started an ultra rapid cycling but mostly manic episode.  It all started when I woke up around 4 am on a weekday mind you, a day when I have to take my two young children to school.  I woke up feeling like a million bucks.  I honestly thought, wow my meds are working and I'm NORMAL! I made a full course breakfast, very unusual for a weekday. I even had time to sit down and read with them.  I was supermom :)  After dropping them off at school I decided to do some shopping, why not I didn't have any anxiety AT ALL and normally I do while shopping.  Then....the dreaded then.  I could feel my mood rapidly change.  I was sweating profusely, even shaking and you guessed it I was starting to have a panic attack. Trying to keep myself together I purchased God knows what paying while my hands shacked as I swiped the card.  I amazingly got to my car and started crying like a baby.  I was so overwhelmed and I didn't want to be alone, I didn't feel safe being with myself. I thought something bad would happen to me if I remand alone.  I called people. I got a hold of a dear friend who helped me calm down enough to drive home.  Once I got home I was feverish and my muscles were so weak I could hardly get off the couch.  I had a major high and now I was having a major low.  My world became bleak and honestly hopeless and dreadfully fear filled.  I had not control anymore, my body was shutting down.

So once my husband and I figured out what was going on I called my doctor.  She changed my medication, that's it.  That was supposed to help. I also could no longer care for my children I was literally feeling like I was going insane. I described it to my husband that I am near a cliff and I'm about to fall off if I don't get help and get it now.  He called my in laws who I will call in loves because they are so wonderful, and they took the children for about a week, taking them to school and picking them up and staying at their place.  THANK GOD. 

It was one of the scariest episodes I've ever been through.  I would fight urges and impulses and my husband had to take my car keys away and have me on lock down.  I was not safe.  So I called my doctor again and she increased my meds.  I thought OK good now I should start feeling better soon.  But it only got worse.  I would be staying up unable to sleep or take naps.  I started gluing pebbles to our wall attempting an art project.  I had so many ideas running through my head and I couldn't stop the thought for the life of me.  It was dreadful and scary. 

Then BOOM, the low came...and I slept two days away. When I awoke I didn't know what day it was.  My in loves had to go back to work and could no longer help out with the children so it was me.  I did one day of driving them to school and I knew I could absolutely not drive back to pick them up.  I texted my husband and mom and pretty much said, I need help or I need to be hospitalized NOW.  I was scared I would hurt myself or God forbid by children.  I was losing my mind.  So my husband came home we called the doctor and she saw us immediately before making a decision to be an in patient at the hospital.  She took me off the medicine I was taking that she kept increasing and it was obviously making me worse or not helping me at all and she gave me a higher dose of zanx to calm me because I had easily used it all up and she started me on a new medication I had never tried before.  My husband took vacation time to take care of me and the children, then once the weekend rolled around they were back at the in loves.

Amazingly I got better, I felt like my mind was coming back. And thus I am here able to write this blog.
I am a strong Christian, I believe in hope, but I had lost all hope.  I believe I have purpose, I had lost my purpose.  I believe I am valuable, I lost value of my life and wanted to die.  I was no good. I was a burden. I would be better off.....dead. For my sake ( for relief  of the dreadful torment of having bipolar disorder) and for their sake....who would love me? I'm useless and should be thrown away.

I'm sorry but those were the thoughts and feelings I was battling almost daily, hourly, and by the minute.  The reason I named this blog warhorse is because in actuality that is who we are.  We just pause and repeat that to yourself.  We close your eyes and look at the darkness. Open and see the light...we fight and we win.

As strong as I thought I was I was weak, so very very weak.  As independent as I was I was fully dependant on others.  I thought I would NEVER get well.  I thought who will take care of me when I'm 50, 60, 70, or 80s? Will I be locked up for the rest of my life? I was scared and ashamed of what could have been my future, at least in my mind at the time.  But guess what? I did not lose my mind, I did not give up trying. I hoped with what little hope I had and I am here today feeling better, much better. 

The movie war horse was the first movie I watched while still recovering. It was not until I was done watching it when a thought entered my mind.  We, those who are at war with bipolar disorder are champions.  The father saw something in that horse, something special among all the other horses and said, that one, I want that one.  We are special, though some might reject us and not see our greatest potential, but there are some who do.  I went through war this month. I was shot at and bursed and muddy and bloody.  I was in a war for my sanity a war for my mind, a war for my life.  And I came through and made it home...home to sanity, home to peace, home to hope, and home to rest.

If you are facing what I am talking about, keep running, keep running! Run.............. until you make it home. <3

Fight the good fight
BB Jenni


  1. It's sad that there's so little posts when I want to continue reading. I found your blog after having an episode early in the morning at 5:30 am after trying to search for bipolar support for moms trying to cope, it really spoke to me and I wanted to continue reading since you yourself are a stay at home mommy like myself with bipolar. Just wanted to say thank you, even though it was short, it really helped and it was nice to read that someone else got me as well and had went through similar things. Thank you!

  2. Your welcome...I haven't written in so long. I love to write. Mmm aybe someday I'll be back on here writing. I just ordered a book to helo me, being bipolar and being a mom. Ive been doing great fir like half a year but when it hits thats when I need help. I hope your well now. Don't give up, just as I wont. Keep moving forward even if u feel like your not.